The Most Embarrassing Night of Alucard's Life
by GirlWhoLovesFanfiction
Summary: It is late at night in the Hellsing manor when Integra is shocked beyond belief. A funny one-shot idea I came up with out of the blue. Please enjoy! Rated T for a few bad words.


One thing everyone at the Hellsing manor learned quickly upon meeting the powerful resident nosferatu king was that he did not _get_ awkward.

Tear someone to shreds? He would ask just how soon he would be able to get his hands on them. Impale someone? Just give him some time to grab some tall wooden spikes. Parade around as a little girl for a day? Only if he could still use his deep masculine voice to creep everyone the fuck out.

Yes, Alucard was not one who got awkward by any means. He was not an adolescent child. He was over five hundred years old. The effects of puberty had long since worn off on him, not only for his age, but also for the fact that he had entirely changed species.

He could still remember the exact moment when for the first time in centuries, that pressing feeling on his stomach came back and he began to sweat. _Him_ , of all people, had done the one thing that no one would ever dare assume he was capable of.

For a brief, stumbling moment, he had become so very, very awkward.

All was peaceful in the Hellsing manor as Sir Integra made her way from her office to her bedroom. The moon was high up in the sky that night in particular, and ominously full. It was one of the nights that she knew her servant was so full of piss and vinegar that things were bound to go askew. As her thoughts were distracted and she opened the door to her room, she was not expecting for someone to be waiting just behind her.

"Good evening, Master," purred a dark voice.

Integra damn near jumped five feet in the air. Stumbling forward, she grabbed her pistol and aimed it towards the figure whose breath had tickled the back of her neck, only for her to replace it with a frown as she realized that it was none other than the subject her mind had conjured. Alucard grinned with malicious glee as he slowly shut the door behind them both. She arched an eyebrow. "Good evening, servant. And just what do you think you're doing in my quarters?"

Amusement twinkled in his eyes. "I am here because tonight, we are going to be trying something new."

That made Integra nervous. Slowly, she began to take small steps backwards. "Oh… really? And what did you have in mind?"

He chuckled mischievously and brushed lightly past her, loosening his cravat. The whole time, however, he didn't take his eyes off her. "It's been something I've thought about quite a bit recently. You see, it gets rather… cold, in the basement. And while my coffin is always very comfortable, your bed far surpasses it."

Oh, and this only made this all the better for poor Integra. Sweat began to bead her brow. "E-Er… you want to…? You know that I can't do that, Alucard."

He hummed in question before flicking his gaze lazily on the bed. "Oh, no: that's not what I had in mind. No, what I said is exactly what I want. I want to sleep with you."

"No."

Her answer was quick and forceful, making him chuckle. "Not in that way," he explained. "I mean, I wish to _actually_ sleep."

This made Integra pause as she debated the actual innocence of his actions. "Just sleep?" she questioned with narrowed eyes.

"Just sleep," he nodded. And then that blasted smirk came back. "Unless you have any other ide-"

"No!" Integra exclaimed. He full on laughed at her then, shaking his head. When he calmed down, he stood complacently by her bedside, waiting for her permission. She examined him for the longest time, looking him up and down. Would it be so bad to allow him just one night of comfort? After all, she had personally seen the basement. And surely sleeping in the coffin all the time could become rather uncomfortable. Personally, she could never imagine having a bed like that- the thought gave her the willies. She understood then how Seras felt when she spent her first night in hers.

After a long pause, her shoulders slumped and she visibly yielded. "The _moment_ you do something unwarranted, you are _out_. Do you understand?"

Alucard's face brightened and he dove into her bed rather uncharacteristically. Lying on his side, he smirked. "Completely!"

Integra flinched as she continued through the room to grab her night clothing. The tank top? Not on his un-life. The white dress? He would laugh. She continued rummaging until she emitted a sound of approval at finding the just-right clothing.

Moments later, when she emerged from her connected bathroom, Alucard groaned inwardly at the sight. It was a long sleeved, buttoned shirt and matching pajama pants. Of course she would wear something like that. Of course, when he looked at her face, he blinked in surprise. Crystalline blue eyes gazed back at him, calm and tranquil as the ocean.

Integra stared at her pet vampire strewn about on her bed. He looked so out of place there: he took up quite a bit of space, although the bed was still large enough to fit both of them. Alucard's clothing had changed to better suit the occasion as well: he was wearing the white dress-shirt with the first two buttons undone and a pair of black slacks. In that moment, he looked so normal, she could have mistaken him for any regular man on the street were it not for his eyes and skin coloration. And height. And fangs, which were being fully displayed in that nightmare-inducing pompous grin. It was his positioning that amused her the most. One leg was strewn right across the bed, but another was crossed and up in the air, his arm resting just on the knee as he lay stretched on his side. She rolled her eyes. "I'm not getting in until you are flat on your back."

His eyes widened at the same time his grin did. "How exciting…"

Integra rubbed the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, counting to ten. She prayed that he wouldn't be able to see the blush that he had caused. "You are well aware of what I meant."

Alucard chuckled and did as she bade, and she hesitantly crawled in to bed next to him. He turned his head to stare directly at her. Unnerved by his glowing eyes and the expression on his face, she rolled over to the other side and tried to ignore his presence altogether. But of course, that wasn't going to happen.

Just seconds after she had shut her eyes, Integra felt the bed move and felt a presence just behind her. Jerking her elbow back, she slammed it into her vampire's chest. He gave off a pleasant grunt of pain, but she frowned when she realized that he didn't move away. "What are you doing?" she snapped.

"What do you think?" he murmured. Regardless of how she tried to force it down, she shivered at the sound of his voice. Oh, how she regretted the decision to let anyone into the same bed with her… for any reason at all! "I am cold."

Integra growled as her eyes snapped open and she whipped her head around to look at him, quickly scooting away as quickly as she could when their faces were mere millimeters apart. "If you're so bloody cold, go curl up into a ball by the fireplace like a good little doggy."

He smirked. "Ouch."

The heiress rolled her eyes and turned back around, pulling the blanket up over her head in an attempt to block him out. Attempt number two was dispatched just as quickly as the first.

"Good idea, Master. It's much warmer under here."

She growled and opened her eyes for the second time, fixing him with the deadliest glare she could muster. The situation was almost comical: Alucard was hiding underneath the sheets with her, the sheet pressing down on his obsidian hair and making it stick out in odd places. His face was alight with good humor, but Integra was feeling irritable enough as it was. "Alucard, I am trying to sleep."

The vampire seemed to contemplate her answer for a moment. "I am too," he finally stated.

"You were warned about this behavior before entering the bed. I am fast approaching the idea to kick you out again."

He sighed. "Fine. I suppose now would be the best time to tell you about my second request."

Integra's glare intensified. "What."

The pair slid the covers off their heads as they both sat up in the bed. Alucard stared down at his hands. "Today is the exact day that my wife died five hundred years ago," he said quietly. Some of the ire left Integra's eyes. "I wasn't able to sleep very well today at all: I kept thinking about the way she used to lay next to me. And then I thought… well, I thought about how nice it might be to feel warm again."

She blew a steady stream of air in and out of her nose, pressing her mouth into a thin line. "I will warn you once again," she said slowly. "If you do… _one single thing_ that makes me feel any genuine discomfort, not only will you be kicked out of the room, but you will be restricted to your room for the rest of the week without any blood. And you had better make sure that no one finds out about this!"

He nodded his head quickly. "Not a soul."

Taking a moment to gather her bearings, Integra looked him up and down. Then, without further ado, she grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled his back to her. Alucard's eyes widened . This was the part that he would never forget for the rest of his unnatural existence.

"…Master. Something as… trivial as this would never make me lose respect for you…"

"What?"

"Well, it just seems that… with my height…"

"Just what are you implying, servant?"

"Shouldn't I be the one to… you know…?"

"To what, Alucard? Precisely _what_ , with your _height_ , should you be allowed to do?"

"It's not just my height, Master, but… being the male, and having my pride at stake-"

"Yes, the servant of the heir of a billion-dollar organization who operates beneath Her Majesty has his pride at stake? Over what, precisely? What does you being male have anything to do with the way I am holding you?"

Alucard tensed in her arms. "Um… Master, shouldn't the roles of 'holding' be reversed?"

Integra's grip on his arms tightened tenfold, to the point where if he were human, he would be left with bruises. "You will be held by me. I will not be degraded as such."

He flinched. "…Yes, Master. Of course. I apologize for questioning you."

And for the very first time in the vampire king's life, he was the little spoon.


End file.
